The weather is hot, yet it is cold in me.

Dear blog,

Having me visiting you again obviously shows dat I ain't happy today. and do u noe y? well, truthfully? Yea. it always has and it is still it. come and go as if im a public parking spot. depended on it and left the next minute. couldnt even care a lil more about it. all i did and wanted to do was to care for her. yet this is wad i got, a greeting, a miss understanding and no reply after dat. God damn it, what have i done to deserve this? what is it about me dat so hard for u to accept me? or at least appreciates me as a fren. Enough taking me for granted. U have broken my heart enough times. A lie so big dat I still couldnt let go. Easy for you to say yet u nvr prove to me dat u r a worthy fren, wad more a close 1. I might hav fall for u but i am not blind. I might be stupid whn u r around but im not an idiot. I can tell de difference when u talk to the others than to me. if he is such a great man den dun fucking find me any more. dun come and tell me ur sad stories jus because u dun hav feelings for me. i have judged u wrongly. U still dun learn your lessons. my dear, hope u r on the rite track. because if one day u r gona cry in front of me. im gona laugh at you. cruel i am, but i aint no a heart breaker. selfish i am, yet i noe how to care for ppl more den you do. a bastard i am, yet i treat every1 around with my heart. joy, sad, happy & anger, every emotion is true and without mask. If u think you understand, if u think u noe. u r deeply, awfully wrong.

From,

PhangKS.

Friday, Break of Dawn. From never ending nite of holidays.

Aaaahhh. Days and weeks after, the feeling is still thr. Not as painful as it was but its fading already. Not too sure if dat is good, after all she was really the one I though would b together with. As for now I kinda spending time with another person, some what a lil strangely because technically v got no feelings for each other. As I hope this is a healthy friendship cause good friends doesnt come everyday, for some people they never even hav any good friends.

I should say finally, my way out of this shit hole has arrived. Why i called it a shit hole cos it obviously is, it causes pain and its a fucking waste of time and effort trying to fix the situation when clearly the other party dun giv a damn about me. Or at times i think that person is a lil blind to see. Sry for being such an ass, but to a certain extend i noe im rite.

Some did advised me to forgive & forget. But i found hating her makes me feel better, probably due to my own personality. Surprisingly, even when i treat her badly she doesnt get angry. May b she does understand how i feel. Sadly that is not enough for me to forgive & forget. after all, She had made her own decision. That gave away her rights to seek care and attention from me.

At this point I have gave up on making you understand. God might be helping me and you leading towards a better life, this could be the right thing to do.

30/01/11

So this is how it really feels like to let some1 you love go. Giving up on all the dreams you had with her. Heart Breaking is an understatement to that feeling. I guess no1 wins everything and this is the game that I kept losing. Im trying to be optimistic, be happy and its not easy. They say you will one day find your true love, does finding the girl that you really love counts? What about the losing her part? As some say we will never be together with the one we really love. May b that's true, at least for me for now. If drinking helps healing I rather get drunk everyday. If talking to some1 helps to heal ill talk till every1 fall asleep. Sadly all that doesnt help. Even time couldnt help me to heal, it can only fade things away. If fading my love for you is the only way out, there's really no other way any more isnt it? As much as I hate this feeling I really hope you will find happiness from him. All the best. I can only pray that one day you will appreciate me. =')

Not letting go.

Back in the days when i was a boy. I was so crazy for food, more like I couldn't let go of them. You noe the feeling of have a super crazy good food that you are having and after you finish eating you still want moreeeeeee. You felt like lifting up the plate and start licking all the remains or even bite the plate itself.

The feeling is back but sadly it is not food, not something you can buy, steal or borrow from. =/

It was just a dream.

I'm so afraid of writing what I wanna say because it would turn out to b so obvious that the person would notice it if he/she does find out my blog. In general term, humans could be so selfish, ignorance and so inconsiderate. I am so God Damn Fucking Sad rite now and so disappointed that this is happening to me AGAIN.

Just imagine, you are a restaurant owner. Ur shop has a rival some where across the town and the competition is fairly hot. This customer walks into your shop, ordered stuff, finished the meal and asked to meet the chef/restaurant owner. So at this point you would b so excited and the conversation started and it continues well. Some where along the line you thought that this guy really likes your food and you thought he is one of ur regulars. Then the weird thing happens, he asked you for opinion about the rival and without hesitation you told him what you think. Finally when the conversation almost over, you found out that the customer is actually ur rival's regular and he is here today because ur the rival is closed for a week.

Without consciously knowing that your face actually turned sad and all you wanna do rite now is chase this customer away and ask him to never come back. This might look illogically for business senses but what if this is translated into relationship senses? Hard to get the picture? I truly understand but this is the best I can do without being too obvious. I constantly loses battle after battle. When I finally see a ray of light, life has to shut it down and put me back into misery. This is a lonely road to walk through.

8/11/2010. How much I misses you.

When I'm hungry I eat, When I'm tired I sleep. But in a simplest form of relationship, things are never as straight forward as that. You have no idea how much I would hope that I could tell you how I feel right now. Doing so will only kill it and kill everything else that matters between you and me. I know I haven't really try things out yet and never really do things that what others would normally do. But the little things that I've done so far have only discouraged me by the reactions you gave me. May be its just me, may be i interpreted wrongly what you said to me that night. Those words that did not make sense now starts to reappear and slowly fit into the picture. A single sided effort relationship is not what I am looking, I could be naive but right now I still believe that the person I am looking do exist. I did believe you were that one but now I have more doubts than ever before. The visions I used to have had faded away and all that is left is total darkness awaits me.

Stuck in a Dream (A real one)!

Today I was having an afternoon nap. During that I had a dream, kind of a nice one actually =P. When i was having all the fun, i knew all these are just a dream but I wanted to make sure of that. So i started to think where was I sleeping and I couldn't remember!! After a few sec of thinking I told myself whatever la, just keep it going. hahahaha! And I did until I was awake. Awesome.